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 Welcome to Sexy TIMES!This blog will report various, often random and sometimes dubious thoughts, quirks, observations, trivia, tales, questions, dreams, rants, opinions, truths, musings, stories, lies, hopes, moans, fantasies, etc in the hope of tempting you to get involved. Our mission is to put the facts in the public domain! Please feel free to write a letter to the editor at LETTERS TO THE EDITOR. Back issues of Sexy TIMES are available at INDEX OF BACK ISSUESSexy TIMES editor: spunkycumfun, Esq. Sexy TIMES proprietor: Rupert Murdoch Sexy TIMES executive designer: [blog cherimore] The editor and, of course, the proprietor take no responsibility for accuracy of the content, nor any responsibility for the propriety of how the content was gathered. Otherwise, Sexy TIMES subscribes to the highest ethical standards of journalism. |
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LES DAWSON SECRETLY MARRIED JOAN RIVERS
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Posted:Sep 25, 2021 10:55 am
Last Updated:Nov 14, 2021 6:25 am
32608 Views
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The secret marriage between Les Dawson and Joan Rivers, my two favourite comedians, was always doomed to failure. It was a funny marriage!
Les Dawson, born in Manchester, was a working class comedian with a deadpan comedic style who often made jokes about his wife and his mother-in-law. He also dressed up as a gurning woman in his comedy sketches. Les Dawson was quite an accomplished pianist, though he played the piano deliberately badly to make people laugh. In his autobiography, Les Dawson claimed that he learned to play the piano while working in a Parisian brothel.
Here are some of Les Dawson’s best lines:
• My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.
• A duck goes into the chemist's shop and asks, “A tube of Lypsyl, please.” “Certainly”, the chemist replies, “That'll be fifty pence.” The duck says, “Put it on my bill, please.”
• I was in a play on television once. It was one of those suspense plays. It kept you wondering ... what's on the other channels?
• The wife's mother said, "When you're dead, I'll dance on your grave." I said, "Good, I'm being buried at sea."
• I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.
• Don't get me wrong; I'm not saying my wife's ugly. But she was under the mistletoe at Christmas, waiting for someone to kiss, and she was still there at Lent!
• I went to a small guest house. The manager said, “Do you want a room with running water?” I said, “What do you think I am, a trout?”
• Marriage is based on compromise. My wife wanted a new coat and I wanted a car. We compromised. She kept her new coat in the garage.
Who are your favourite comedians?
Joan Rivers, born Joan Molinsky, was a sassy comedian from New York. Her comedy was both self-deprecating and acerbic, especially towards famous people. The Rolling Stone magazine once ranked her sixth on its list of the 50 all-time best stand-up comedians. Joan Rivers was also a formidable talk show host and in 1986 she became the first woman to host a late night network television talk show with the launch of The Late Show with Joan Rivers.
Here are some of Joan Rivers’ best lines:
• If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.
• People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
• I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd like without plastic surgery.
• When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes least three years off.
• I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
• Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.
• I knew I was an unwanted when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
• The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.
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HALF NEKKID STAMPS
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Posted:Sep 22, 2021 11:54 am
Last Updated:Nov 14, 2021 6:25 am
33397 Views
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Spain:
Above is the world’s first nude stamp issued in Spain in 1930. Below are some other nude and semi-nude stamps from around the world. It’s mainly European countries that have issued nude stamps and most of them are based on works of art. I don’t think America, Canada and Britain have ever issued a nude stamp, though I could be wrong!
I was once a philatelist. Stamp collecting was my first main hobby. I still have my stamp collection, though I’m thinking of it. I have a Penny Black, the world’s first postage stamp issued in 1840. But my most prized and valuable stamps are my Penny Reds, many of which are much rarer than the Penny Blac
I used to cheat a bit when I collected stamps, a bit like now when I cheat with Half Nekkid Wednesdays. I had an arrangement with the village postmistress, Miss Reade, to put by two sets of all stamps issued by the Royal Mail for me to collect whenever I came back home. One set was in mint condition, and the other set was cleanly postmarked but not licked and stuck to an envelope. Because of Miss Reade, stamp collecting was a very easy hobby. She did all the work!
Did you or do you collect stamps?
What was your first main hobby?
What are your main hobbies now?
As well as stamp collecting, my hobbies have included reading novels, watching football, playing football, playing table tennis, playing tennis, playing squash, playing badminton, playing Subbuteo, listening to music, seeing live bands, playing the guitar, reading newspapers, getting involved in local politics, eating Indian food, going out with friends, learning German, travelling, solving crosswords, doing sudoku, drinking fine wine, watching ice hockey, following the Tour de France, having sex, and blogging.
As you can see, I’m more low-culture than high-culture!
Austria:
Netherlands:
Italy:
Finland:
Yugoslavia:
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35
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MAKING BLOGLAND BETTER
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Posted:Sep 21, 2021 8:44 am
Last Updated:Nov 14, 2021 6:25 am
35039 Views
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Since returning to blogland after a few years’ absence, it’s very clear that blogland is a much quieter place than it used to be. There are fewer bloggers, fewer blog posts, fewer comments on blog posts, fewer followers and visitors of blogs and, thankfully unless I’ve missed something, fewer blog wars.
I’ve just read two very insightful blog posts about the state of blogland. superbjversion2’s The Meandering Blogland River superbly compares blogland with the formation of oxbow lakes, which for some reason we were all taught about at school! smartasswoman’s Random Stuff smartly sees the decline of blogland as part of the decline of blogging generally amidst the growing popularity of other forms of social media, such as Instagram, TikTok and Twitter.
The site clearly hasn’t helped blogland with its many glitches, though I suspect these glitches don’t fully explain why blogland has gotten much quieter. But if the site rolls out its new format again - merging blogs and groups, streaming posts selected by an algorithm to each member and discarding blogland’s homepage - then this would just destroy all sense of community in blogland.
The site has no reason to make blogland a better place as blogging can’t be monetised easily. The site makes its money elsewhere.
It goes without saying that we all blog for slightly different reasons. I like blogging because I feel part of a wider community; I’ve made some great online friends here; I’ve found out things that I wouldn’t have known about; I’ve enjoyed the freedom of expressing myself without the normal constraints of offline conversations; and I like writing and reading about sex!
Though blogland may be in terminal decline, and I hope it’s not, it may be ways of arresting its decline and making blogland a more animated, lively and vibrant place.
Blogland is great for standard members as they can blog freely and communicate with all other members. By the same token, blogland is great for gold members because they can communicate with standard as well as gold members.
Blogland is great for new members as they can get know other members. I’ve noticed that many new blogs are created every day but seemingly very few of these blogs become established and popular. Blogland’s homepage focuses largely on established and popular blogs, which to an extent fosters competition amongst the top blogs.
How satisfied or dissatisfied are you with blogland?
What can this site do to make blogland better?
What can bloggers do to make blogland better?
For what it’s worth, and others may have very different ideas, I think bloggers, individually and collectively, need to try and cultivate a greater sense of community. Below are just a few examples of how a sense of community has been or can be promoted in blogland.
Every week a few bloggers, via the HNW Bloggers’s group moderated by JN63JPN, celebrate Half Nekkid Wednesday, though I must confess that I always cheat with my contributions.
There used be a virtual symposium, initiated by humorlife and continued by pocogato12, where every month many bloggers would post a contribution on a selected topic, but unfortunately this symposium fizzled out.
Also there used be annual blog awards. Bloggers would vote for the best blog, funniest blog, sexiest blog, etc. Unfortunately, there was no award for the blogger with the best cock in Nottingham!
Before I joined blogland, I think there was a mentoring scheme in which established bloggers would help new bloggers to get going in blogland.
Some bloggers, through their posts, instil a sense of community. For example, there's citizen4722’s tricky music quizzes every Sunday and there's Tmptrzz’s weekly NFL Picks Contest - the 49ers are going win the Super Bowl this season!
Many bloggers are very good at commenting on other bloggers’ posts and at replying to comments on their blogs. Blogging works with interaction between bloggers; it’s all about relationships. There’s little point writing a blog if no one is reading and commenting on it.
I’ll stop now as I’ve gone on too much!
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EMOJI USERS HAVE MORE SEX
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Posted:Sep 17, 2021 10:14 am
Last Updated:Nov 14, 2021 6:24 am
31865 Views
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This site is infringing my human rights, particularly my human right to communicate. For a few weeks now, I’ve been unable to add emojis on my blog posts and comments because of some glitch on the site!
An emoji is a graphical representation of words developed as an alternative way to communicate. The word 'emoji' stems from the Japanese language and can be translated as 'picture character'; the meaning of emoji has nothing do with the word 'emotion'.
When emojis became popular, I thought I’d never use them. I thought they were just a gimmick for . But I do use emojis on this site. I use emojis here to signify that I’m trying be friendly or humorous just in case my attempts at being friendly or humorous aren’t understood.
Back to the site’s infringement of my human rights. A recent academic study found that people who regularly use emojis have more sex than those who don’t. I haven’t had sex since I haven’t been allowed to use emojis on this site. The site is denying my human right to have sex!
Do you regularly use emojis?
If you use emojis, have you have had more sex?
Where can I find the codes on this site to manually insert emoji?
I hope you’ll sign the petition inside demanding that the site reinstates my emojis. This is all about my basic human rights. I need to communicate and I need to have sex!
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28
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R STANDS FOR ROGER
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Posted:Sep 15, 2021 9:24 am
Last Updated:Nov 14, 2021 6:23 am
32605 Views
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R stands for Roger. Not Roger Moore, not Roger Daltrey, not Roger Black, not Roger Hunt and not Roger Federer. No, R stands for Roger Ing.
Roger Ing was a pet name given to me by a past girlfriend - well, it was more of a friends-with-benefits than a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship.
She would often text me late at night to say that she wanted a good rogering. That was my invitation to go round to her house, just a short walk away. She would always leave her front door unlocked. I would just walk in, lock the door behind , strip naked, go upstairs, walk into her bedroom, and fuck her hard.
If she was naked kneeling on the bed, it was to be a doggy-style rogering; and if she was naked lying down with legs apart, it was to be a piledriver-style rogering!
Since those days I’ve always liked rogering as a term to describe having sex. Other terms I use for having sex are fucking and shagging.
Have you ever been given a pet name?
Do you enjoy rogering or being rogered?
What terms do you use for having sex?
At school, having it off was a popular term for having sex.
R also stands for rumpy-pumpy! In jest I will ask my wife if she fancies some rumpy-pumpy. She laughs at me but I do get rumpy-pumpy.
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26
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ANYONE FOR DP?
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Posted:Sep 13, 2021 12:08 pm
Last Updated:Nov 14, 2021 6:23 am
42262 Views
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DP - or double penetration - is something that I haven’t done but that I'd very much like to do. I’ve had many threesomes, foursomes and moresomes but never has double penetration been involved.
In my swinging days, there was one time in my lounge where my then partner was fucking a man when she suggested that I join in for double penetration. I didn’t for some reason, probably because I wasn’t that keen on the other man. He always like to come across as a super-stud or maybe I didn’t like the competition!
At my last sex party, on entering a bedroom I saw (and heard) a woman being double-penetrated. They looked as if they were all having a lot of fun!
Have you engaged in double penetration? If so, what was it like?
If offered double penetration, would you be up for it?
What acts that you've not done would you’d like most to do?
I’d be very interested to hear from those who have tried double penetration what it’s like … my curiosity is fuelled purely out of scientific research and not prurient titillation!
What’s the best position for double penetration? Do the men feel each other’s cocks? Do the men have to synchronise their thrusts? Do the men's balls collide in their thrusts? How does the woman orchestrate the moves? What happens if the men don’t more-or-less cum at the same time? Is the woman’s orgasm more intense? There are so many questions that need answers!
Below are the four positions for deep penetration that I can think of.
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69
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FRIDAY IS A FUNNY DAY
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Posted:Sep 10, 2021 11:44 am
Last Updated:Nov 14, 2021 6:22 am
30652 Views
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Friday is my favourite day of the week. It’s the start of the weekend! But I don’t understand why I still like Fridays and why I still don’t like Mondays as I’m now retired from work. Each day is the same for me now; my week is just seven groundhog days!
My Mum never believed that my bike was made of spaghetti until I went pasta. But she did tell me how a duck can be turned into a soul singer; just put the duck in a microwave until it’s Bill Withers.
Last week I went to space but I came back early because there was no atmosphere.
Yesterday I went to the doctor with sticks of carrots in my ears and up my nostrils. When I told the doctor that I wasn’t feeling very well, he said that he wasn’t surprised because I wasn’t eating properly.
On coming back from the doctor’s, I saw a hedgehog cross the road. I asked him why he was crossing the road. He replied that he wanted to see his flatmate. And then I saw a magic ambulance; it turned into a hospital.
Last night, I met up with my friend - named Tony because he has no shins - in a nearby bar. Tony was complaining that a bird always craps on his car windscreen. I suggested that he shouldn’t ask her out for a date again.
Today I realised that I only know 25 letters of the alphabet; I don’t know Y.
Do you have a favourite joke?
How would you describe your sense of humour?
My friends have told me that I have a quirky, offbeat and childish sense of humour. Generally, I don’t like jokes that make stereotypical assumptions about groups of people (eg dumb blonde jokes). I like jokes that take you one way and then end in another way. ' jokes are often the jokes!
Almost everyone says that they have a good sense of humour, but that just can’t be true!
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MY LIFE THROUGH BOOKS
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Posted:Sep 8, 2021 9:20 am
Last Updated:Nov 14, 2021 6:22 am
31428 Views
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I’ve always been a keen reader of books, magazines, newspapers and comics.
When I was a , I loved reading Anthony Buckeridge’s books on Jennings, a boarding school boy whose time at school was nothing like my time at boarding school. Jennings was never once bothered by predatory teachers!
In my late teens I read many novels. In particular, I read a lot of existential novels, such as Jean-Paul Sartre’s Nausea, about the meaning or rather the lack of meaning in life. I realised after reading these books that there was no meaning other than what we sense ourselves. At this stage in my life I stopped trying to find the point to life and just to get on with life by enjoying things at best or surviving things at worst.
A book I like giving to people, whether or adults, is Richard Bach’s Jonathan Livingston Seagull. can read the book as about a seagull wanting to fly faster and higher; and grown-ups can read it as about chasing their dreams.
George Orwell was one of my favourite authors. I loved his fiction, such as Keep the Aspidistra Flying and Animal Farm, as well as his non-fiction, especially Homage to Catalonia about the Spanish Civil War.
As a student, I read a lot of books on politics, sociology, economics, history, philosophy and psychology. This reading never stopped until I took retirement from my job as a university lecturer. For about 40 years, I just read about politics. My two favourite academic books are Michael Oakeshott’s Rationalism in Politics and Other Essays and John Gray’s Straw Dogs; both books argue that human understanding of the world is very limited and often flawed.
After retirement, I thought I’d get back to reading novels. But that hasn’t happened. I’m still reading books about politics, plus a few books on the Tour de France. One of the most recent books I very much enjoyed reading was Bob Woodward’s Fear about Donald Trump.
Do you enjoy reading books?
If so, what sort of books do you like reading?
And what’s the best book you’ve read?
Inside is my favourite quote of all time. It’s written by Michael Oakeshott, a conservative philosopher. Though no conservative, I always read out this quote to my students to warn them that they’ll get no answers about political life in my class!
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25
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I WENT YEARS WITHOUT SEX
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Posted:Sep 6, 2021 11:28 am
Last Updated:Nov 14, 2021 6:21 am
33224 Views
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Yes, I went years and years without sex. To be precise, I went 18 years without sex until I lost my virginity!
As a result of going to all boys boarding school, I was relatively late in losing my virginity. However, it was a very memorable experience. Not because I had got that monkey off my back, but because my then girlfriend’s mother walked into the bedroom as we were having sex. As soon as she entered the bedroom, I got up from the missionary position and hurriedly hid behind the bed.
Fortunately, my girlfriend’s mother was drunk and when she said to my girlfriend that she thought that she saw me, my girlfriend just denied what she saw and told her that she was seeing things as she was tipsy. After she left the bedroom, I had to silently creep out of the house unseen.
When I got home, after a half-hour car drive, I stripped naked to have my first look at my non-virginal body in my bedroom. Though my body still looked the same, I knew I was no longer a virgin.
I lost my virginity to another virgin, which probably explains the missionary position. I’m now wondering whether people lose their virginity by having doggy sex or cowgirl sex.
If not a virgin, at what age did you lose your virginity?
Was losing your virginity a good, bad or indifferent experience?
Since losing your virginity, what’s the longest period of time you’ve gone without sex?
The longest time I’ve gone without sex since losing my virginity was about two years in my early twenties. I’d like to say it was through wilful choice but it was in fact through lack of opportunity!
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34
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AT THE ZOO
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Posted:Sep 4, 2021 6:44 am
Last Updated:Nov 14, 2021 6:21 am
33960 Views
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After watching a lot of television and binging on nature documentaries about a pride of lions, a caravan of camels, a troop of monkeys, a school of whales, a pod of dolphins, a nest of snakes, a gaggle of geese and a colony of termites, I decided to visit a zoo.
On entering the zoo, I immediately saw a band of gorillas and a flange of baboons on the right, and I saw an ambush of tigers and a coalition of cheetahs on the left.
Further into the zoo, in its reptile corner, I came across a congregation of alligators and a bask of crocodiles in the pool. I then was drawn to a quiver of cobra snakes and a rhumba of rattlesnakes. There was also a mess of iguanas, a camp of chameleons, a knot of toads, an army of frogs and a hood of snails. I thought it was strange that the snails were housed in the zoo’s reptile corner.
In a large fenced field, a dazzle of zebras, an implausibility of gnus and a mob of kangaroos were grazing on the grass and a memory of elephants and a tower of giraffes were eating the leaves off the trees.
In a neighbouring field with a big, muddy pond, an obstinacy of buffalos, a crash of rhinoceroses and a bloat of hippopotamuses were wallowing in the mud.
Next was a visit to the zoo’s aquarium where I saw a shiver of sharks, a family of sardines, a risk of lobsters, a consortium of octopuses, an audience of squids, a smack of jellyfish and a bed of oysters.
On leaving the aquarium, there was an enclosure where a sleuth of bears was eyeing the crowd and an embarrassment of panda bears was busy chewing bamboo.
After a coffee at the zoo’s café, I walked to a set of enclosures containing a conspiracy of porcupines, a wisdom of wombats, a candle of anteaters, a committee of mongooses, a surfeit of skunks, a scurry of squirrels, a sounder of boar and a fluffle of rabbits. The enclosure housing a cauldron of bats was disappointingly quiet as it was daytime. But the enclosure homing a romp of otters was a treat to watch; I wanted to romp with them!
En route to the zoo’s aviary, I passed an enclosed pool with a huddle of walruses basking in the sun. Just outside the aviary, there was several enclosed pools with a parcel of penguins waddling around, a flamboyance of flamingos preening and a siege of herons watching for fish and a bevy of swans making a lot of noise.
Inside the aviary, I saw a pandemonium of parrots, a shock of cassowaries, a convocation of eagles, a boil of hawks, a parliament of owls, a deceit of lapwings, a charm of finches, a party of jays, a quarrel of sparrows, a murder of crows, an unkindness of ravens and a gulp of magpies.
Finally, near the zoo’s exit, I entered the insect house where I encountered a kaleidoscope of butterflies, a bike of ants, a clutter of spiders, a rabble of bees and a business of flies.
On driving back home from the zoo, I witnessed a murmuration of starlings and on reaching home I was greeted by a peep of chickens and a glaring of cats. Inside my home, a harem of women was waiting naked to tend to my needs!
A murmuration of starlings at dusk is a wonderful sight to behold; photographs don’t do justice to the constantly moving birds performing a coordinated and complicated manoeuvre.
When did you last go to the zoo? And what zoo did you visit?
What are your favourite zoo animals?
My last trip to the zoo was about three years ago when I visited London zoo. My favourite zoo animals are penguins. I just love how they strut their stuff!
PS. This was supposed be a short post just about an embarrassment of panda bears, but I got carried away with all the strange names of different groups of animals!
a romp of otters:
a parcel of penguins:
a murmuration of starlings:
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26
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WHEREVER I LAY MY HAT
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Posted:Sep 1, 2021 12:22 pm
Last Updated:Nov 14, 2021 6:20 am
33133 Views
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My favourite hat is a fur hat, well it’s a faux fur hat. When I wear the hat, I pretend that I'm a Russian fighter pilot. In truth I probably look like a cocker spaniel but that never stops me pretending!
While pretending to be a Russian airman, I imagine that I’m flying my MiG-21 jet fighter over the Russian steppe for a tryst with my voluptuous girlfriend. I'm a dreamer!
Do you regularly wear a hat?
If so, what’s your favourite hat?
Have you ever had sex while just wearing a hat?
I only wear a hat when it’s very cold or when it's very hot. When cold, the fake fur hat comes out. And when hot, a shabby grey hat is donned; with this hat on, I pretend be a scally even though my scouse (that is, a Liverpudlian or Liverpool) accent is dreadful! As I said, I'm a dreamer.
I’ve never just worn a hat while having sex. It’s a bit like just wearing socks or just wearing a watch when having sex; it’s just not right. Though I think more women would want sex with me if I wore some of the hats below!
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28
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I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY SHADES
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Posted:Aug 30, 2021 12:08 pm
Last Updated:Sep 29, 2021 8:48 am
30953 Views
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Now summer’s drawing in, well at least where I live in England, my only pair of sunglasses will be returned to the bottom drawer.
To me, people always seem to look cooler and sexier in sunglasses. This strikes me as a little odd as sunglasses hide a person’s eyes. I often like to look at someone’s eyes, especially if I’m attracted to them. According to William Shakespeare, eyes “are the windows to your soul.”
Do you look sexier with your sunglasses on?
Have you ever had sex with your sunglasses on?
How many of the eight celebrities wearing sunglasses below can you name?
A top prize will be awarded to the person who correctly identifies the most celebrities below!
CELEBRITY A:
CELEBRITY B:
CELEBRITY C:
CELEBRITY D:
CELEBRITY E:
CELEBRITY F:
CELEBRITY G:
CELEBRITY H:
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29
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LOVE, COCK, WEAR, PARTY AND LONDON
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Posted:Aug 27, 2021 11:27 am
Last Updated:Sep 11, 2021 5:39 am
33020 Views
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I just did a search of keywords my blog. Love, cock, wear, party and London are the five most used words in my blog posts.
The top 25 words that appear the most on my blog are, in order of frequency: love, cock, wear, party, London, America, food, music, water, members, England, English, team, head, death, group, photograph, famous, giving, police, balls, black, penis, third, and queen.
I’m a little surprised at what the keyword search threw up.
I’m not a romantic for love to be top of the list but I guess I must write that I love white wine, Indian curry and Leeds United a lot! Though I have a cock, I didn’t realise that I write about cocks so much. And I haven’t got a clue why wear appears so much in my posts, but I'm now going to be wary about writing that word again! Party I can understand because I have blogged about sex parties quite a bit. But London just doesn’t make sense as I don’t live anywhere near the city.
What words would you have thought I’d most use on my blog?
If you blog, what are your most used words in your posts?
I’m also surprised at the words that didn’t feature at the top of the list. There’s no wine, no beer, no curry, no football and no fuck! And there’s no sex, no boobs, no pussy, no bum and no doggy!
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To link to this blog (spunkycumfun) use [blog spunkycumfun] in your messages.
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