The Universe Amazes Me
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Posted:Feb 23, 2016 12:53 pm
Last Updated:Dec 21, 2016 3:33 am
15364 Views
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Driving home today I saw an amazing sight. The full moon rose just after sunset, and as I crossed the M4 motorway flyover to join the traffic I saw it for the first time, low on the eastern horizon, seemingly huge and slightly yellow in the thicker air. The road snaked away towards London, street lights and cars, it all looked slightly surreal with this huge object from space just hanging there, seemingly inches above the earth.
It was as if someone had hung a giant Christmas tree bauble on an invisible string from the sky.
I love the enormity of the Universe. You can't really take in how big it all is. The Earth, the Moon, the distance between the stars - it is all millimetres in the overall expanse of it all. It must be there for something, even if we have no way of getting to it.
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Scissoring
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Posted:Feb 18, 2016 10:10 am
Last Updated:Mar 1, 2016 7:49 am
15775 Views
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For some reason I often feel inspired to blog after having a haircut. An opportunity to walk through town and see sexy women perhaps. Or the intimate nature of the haircutting process itself. Whatever.
This time I was ruminating on the unappealing state of the top of my head as I sat looking in the mirror opposite, waiting my turn in a rather soulless cut'n'run unisex barbershop in Bloghampton High Street.
Quite often when I look in the mirror these days I fail to see the me I expect to see looking back. The me I expect to see doesn't seem to exist anywhere other than inside my head any more. Certainly not on the top of my head, which has a lot less hair going for it than back in the days, long ago, back before the dawn of time where there are no words... oh no wait a minute, that's another blog post. Where was I?
Oh yes, a lot less hair than back in the days when I first put up my profile here, and allowed myself to describe my head as "somewhat balding." You can still see plenty of not too grey hair behind The Time Traveller's Wife in my user picture. But that picture is out of date, and the simple word "bald" would more accurately describe the outer dome of the dreamery these days.
Happily, I am still young at heart, slim and reasonably fit - I still play the sport I love to a relatively high amateur level, and I walk faster than most people. I noticed this as I sat waiting my turn, avoiding the mirror by looking out of the window. Good Lord no wonder people are putting on weight these days. I watched as sad looking potatoes wandered by outside. Not one of them had a stride length of more than 28 inches and most were going at a pace my mother would have beaten while out pushing a lawnmower in her last few years on earth.
Still it was a beautiful day, late afternoon early spring sunshine and despite the dead-beat immediate population in front of me, I felt good about the world.
My stylist, - I am using the word loosely - beckoned me over and got out the trimmers set to number 4. They don't bother with scissors on me; there really isn't enough on top to play with any more. My thoughts went back to my mother and her lawn. This was more like having my hair mown than cut. The stylist pulled undecidedly at a few upwardly mobile hairs. She was Greek, and her English was sketchy.
"You want this shorter?" she queried.
"I think if you take it any lower it will all just stand up on end," I said, experienced.
She stroked the top of my head and smiled. "Iss okay, my father....just like this," she consoled me.
"Thanks very much," I said.
"No, I mean....lots of men.....oh I am so sorry." She looked worried I might not give her a tip.
But I was laughing.
"It's okay" I smiled, "I probably am old enough to be your father." If I started bloody young I thought.
She looked about thirty five or forty. Big hips and a fat arse, but not unattractive. At least her fingers didn't smell like they had been up it five minutes earlier, like the last one I had.
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The First Time
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Posted:Feb 15, 2016 10:33 am
Last Updated:Feb 17, 2016 3:36 am
15054 Views
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Somebody asked me "Do you remember what it was like the first time you kissed a girl?"
I think it should be something fixed in your mind but I admit, I did in fact have to think about it for a while. Then it came to me. But the first time isn't one of the ones I really remember.
I was at a boarding school. But once we were about thirteen or fourteen, on Saturdays and Sundays we were allowed out for the afternoon, either to go into town or out with parents etc. And we were also allowed to visit the equivalent local girls boarding school and have tea with them in their common room. I remember one of my class mates had a sister at this school, so there was an easy introduction.
(I believe I may have blogged about this from a different angle some time before, so if there are any of my long time readers who are getting a sense of deja vu I apologise! )
Anyway, one of the girls in my friend's sister's class seemed pretty, and was on my wavelength. Gradually, over a period of a few summer Saturdays, we got to the stage of holding hands as we all walked round the school playing fields. I wanted to kiss her, but I couldn't tell you now whether it was because I really wanted to, or because I just wanted to know what it was like. But I must have liked her, because I do remember being so nervous I was in a clod sweat before each visit!
Anyway, one day I plucked up the courage to try. I had never kissed a girl before, so I neither knew what to do, or what to expect. But I was pleased when I put my lips against hers, because she didn't pull away. But then I was astonished to find her lips apart and her tongue in my mouth. I don't remember what it felt like - it was nice, but shocking. I think I dimly knew that people did that, but it wasn't something I expected. I think I said something crass like "Wow you really know what you are doing" or something. I wasn't exactly embarrassed afterwards, but I think I felt pretty inadequate.
I don't think it happened again, and soon the summer term was over, and after the long summer holiday, everything was different. She was full of stories about some guy she knew back home. She didn't actually say he was her boyfriend, but she clearly didn't consider me man enough for her any more. I remember being hurt, but I don't think it lasted that long. We didn't see that much of each other for a year or two, but the funny thing was that by the time I was eighteen and going out with the wonderful Lizzy, our paths crossed again. She was in the year below me and was still at school, while I was now at college in the same town. I remember her head mistress allowing one or two of the girls to go out in the evenings, and we had several fun chats at the pub as just friends, and became quite close. She had a boyfriend at home, and I had Lizzy, so we were genuinely just friends, but it was a happy time.
I do remember the first time I kissed Lizzy. I was already pretty much in love with her, and she was incredibly sexy. I had kissed other girls before I met her, nothing memorable, but at least I didn't feel inexperienced. What happened was still unexpected though. We started kissing, and we just couldn't stop. Her arms were round my neck and she hung off me as if she might collapse otherwise. My head spun like a drug hit, my heart started beating like I was running the hundred metres, my legs felt weak and I wanted to lie down, with her still in my arms. I wanted to be part of her, to feel her pressing down on me, like as if there was a hole in my chest and only her weight on me could fill it.
I remember thinking, "Oh my god, this is what the fuss is all about........"
Years later, when I first kissed the Lioness, I would have that feeling again. It felt just like kissing Lizzy for the first time, only multiplied by a factor of ten.
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Samba pa Ti
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Posted:Feb 1, 2016 3:23 pm
Last Updated:Apr 12, 2016 2:29 pm
15702 Views
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I was asked, "Have you ever fallen in love with someone because of a song?" I said, no, I didn't think I had, but then I remembered Christmas 1974.
I was fifteen, six months short of my first real girlfriend, the gorgeous Lizzy, blogged about many times right here forty years later, and still as fresh in my mind as the first time she sneaked me into her attic bedroom in her parents house at midnight one glorious summer night.
But pre Lizzy there was........what shall we call her......? I think Julia: nearly, but not quite her real name will do. Julia was eighteen, the elder sister of the girlfriend of a sixteen year old guy I knew. We all hung out together through a long summer holiday and, after an autumn term away at school, into the Christmas break. My friend was a guitar player, and I was just discovering music as a way of understanding emotions. Julia seemed to like the same music as us, and from the very first day I met her she also seemed to just get what I was all about. Obviously I never thought for a moment that a girl four years older than me and so clearly........experienced......could be romantically interested in a slightly spotty, gauche and far too thin , as I always felt myself to be in her presence. The only thing I had going for me what that she was very petite - about five foot three, so at least I was taller than her. Knowing eighteen year old girls as I do now, it makes me smile to look back, and remember how incredibly adult and worldly I thought she was. Compared to me then, well, okay maybe. But she can't have been.
But the odd thing was, whenever we all hung out together trying out guitar chords, or listening to the latest records, or sharing one pot of tea and five cups at the local tea shop, it was always me she sat next to. Always me she would talk to most. And then one night, maybe it was New Year, I can't remember, there was a party, with a makeshift disco and dancing. And at the end of the night, as was fairly traditional in those days, someone played Samba pa ti, by Santana. (If there is anyone reading this who really hasn't ever heard this track, please, please do go and listen to it and you will know what I mean. I know I am always recommending music, and normally I don't care whether you go and listen or not, but just this once, please, listen. Original studio recording - on the tube, the one with the picture of the pretty blond girl, or maybe one of the 1971 live versions, because there are some awful, very uninspiring later live versions on there as well. )
Anyway, Julia came over to me and said "Dance with me?" and before I knew what was happening she was in my arms and we were pressed close together, circling slowly around the floor. I defy anyone to dance like that with anyone while that particular music plays and not feel something. She kept looking into my eyes, smiling, and leaning against me. Her arms were around my neck. I had never felt anything like this ever before. I thought maybe this was what it felt like to be in love. And then, to my horror, the obvious started to happen. If it was now, I would just look back into a girl's eyes and smile. Back then, I thought I must be about to get a slap in the face. I was beginning to get hard. At first I thought she hadn't noticed. Then I knew she couldn't have noticed because she seemed to be actually pushing her hips against me, almost grinding them for some reason. I tried really hard just to keep dancing like nothing was happening.
The song ended, the lights came on and people started to get ready to go home. Julia looked at me and said, "Come over here, I need to talk to you about something." We sat down and she went on, "I wish you were a little bit older Dreamer."
"What do you mean?" I said, although I already had a rough idea.
"Because I really do like you, but I don't think I could be your girlfriend...... or anything like that........even if that was what you wanted."
I couldn't think of anything to say.
"But we can always be friends, and we can still dance together sometimes, if you'd like?"
"Yes, okay," I said, "That would be great."
And we did stay friends - I don't know where she is now - we lost touch when I was about twenty, but for a couple of years she was always around, always willing to talk, always making me feel good about myself. Always letting me know, without saying anything, that if only I was older........... And I remember one year when Lizzy came to stay at my parent's house during the winter break, we met friends one evening and Julia was there and came up to me, eyes all blazing like always and introduced herself to Lizzy and then smiled at me knowingly.......she knew I didn't need her any more.
I was thinking today. If we met again now, our age difference might have a very different effect. But I bet she would still win me over with those eyes.
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Music as a Substitute for Sex?
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Posted:Jan 27, 2016 12:06 pm
Last Updated:Feb 1, 2016 8:46 am
15639 Views
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I keep finding myself writing, "I know this isn't a music site but...."
The thing is music definitely can be associated with sex in many ways, and I am sure that without knowing it, I may have used it as some kind of substitute at quite a few times in my life. I don't suppose I am the only one.
D you remember that feeling you get when you can be completely absorbed by the music, as if nothing else matters or exists? I used to listen like that far more when I was younger, especially in my late teens.
Lost in music, caught in a trap
It can be a bit like the feeling of being absorbed in another person. Or maybe you might have experienced that blissful rare occurrence when someone you are with is lost in the same music as you. Dirty Magic indeed. Maybe that's the lure of the stadium concert or the packed out local venue. If it really goes off, everyone becomes part of that shared experience.
The music I like covers a very wide range of styles. I am always listening to old blues, rock 'n' roll and jazz, but I also love motown, dance music of many styles, rock, pop, you name it there's something I can find to like. Except County, lol.
And now and then, I like to keep up with more current music. Not necessarily charts pop, although I sometimes do like that too, but stuff on the edge of the charts, maybe the sort of things I would probably be listening to if I still was a , working out how to relate to the world. And I have noticed that when I listen like that, it seems to coincide with me feeling the lack of sex more acutely than usually.
So for anyone who might want to follow where my head is at just the moment, as they say, I keep hearing Snakehips "All my friends" on the radio, featuring Tinashe and Chance the Rapper. And going back a year or so I was into Circa Waves - "Fossils," and "T Shirt Weather."
I can't help feeling "T-Shirt Weather" will be providing nostalgic memories of first kisses, last days at school, or golden holidays between college terms for a whole new generation of Dreamers over the next few decades. When I play that song I almost feel as if I am still one of them.
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It's not you, it's me.
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Posted:Jan 19, 2016 10:01 am
Last Updated:Jan 20, 2016 2:08 pm
15077 Views
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I haven't been feeling very sexy lately and I'm not really sure why.
You would have thought what with my unusually high testosterone levels and the fact that I never get any I would be on a short fuse all of the time. And normally I am. All it takes is a smile from a sales assistant, the right pair of legs, a supple skier in the snow, anything which catches my imagination, especially a deeply felt confession here on the blogs.
Maybe it's me, but I haven't found any sexy stories to grab a hold of my attention recently. I am attracted to a couple of the women behind the blogs I read, sure - I expect if they wanted to they could trip my switches. But I think I have been sub-consciously avoiding letting those kind of Thoughts develop. Probably it is just a phase. A short one I hope, because despite the frustration that can go with it, I really like feeling sexy. It is one reason why I come here. The reality of what is written here, the real feelings, hopes and desires of people writing their blogs is much more of a turn on to me than obviously contrived stories or acted porn.
But I woke this morning feeling tired all over, and that is never going to lead to licentiousness is it? I have been working hard, and maybe that is all it is. I read with envy Wildfire's account of an escape to warm ocean front luxury. Although I do love the cold weather, but today, ice outside my windows made me want to stay in the house. And then the phone rang and I had to work.
Anyway, I'm looking forward to a good night's sleep, and in that sleep, what dreams may come?
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Dreamer nearly blows up the house
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Posted:Jan 13, 2016 2:21 pm
Last Updated:May 19, 2016 1:15 pm
15662 Views
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Bloody Hell I just very nearly gassed myself!
Steak for dinner – put the potatoes on, started making a sauce, put the grill on to get really hot, cutting up vegetables. Bit of a smell of gas, so I checked the rings were lit – yup, no problem; just must have been a waft when I moved the other pan to boil some water for the veg. Five minutes went by, then it was time to put the steak under the grill. Hang on a minute, the grill’s not hot. Fucking Hell it’s not even lit!
Oh Bollocks – front door open, back door open, thank goodness I didn’t have an explosion! The whole house reeks of gas, and now I come to think of it I’ve got a bit of a headache coming on. That might not be connected though….I think I had that already as a result of a long afternoon in front of the computer trying to get all my work finished.
Instead of which it was nearly me who was all finished. All okay now though, and the steak turned out yummy.
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Planet Earth is Blue
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Posted:Jan 11, 2016 12:00 pm
Last Updated:Jan 13, 2016 2:51 pm
14951 Views
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I was up early and driving to a business meeting this morning, and the guy on the radio news told me David Bowie had died. The Prettiest Star
I don't expect mine is the only blog post about that today, but I haven't read anyone else's yet. I heard a lot of tributes on the radio though as I was driving about today. I don't think I would ever have said he was my very favourite artist, but I have listened to his music a lot, I absolutely love quite a few of his songs, and I did feel very sad. I nearly had tears in my eyes a couple of times.
Turn and face the strain………
I suppose how you feel about his death might have something to do with your age. I first heard "Starman" when I was about thirteen, and soon after discovered most of his other early stuff and at that age it all made a deep impression. On my personal feelings and on me as a wannabe musician. The thing about Bowie is that he probably did that to more than one generation.
If we can sparkle he may land tonight………
His songs always tell you something about life and how to live it, how to grow up when your parents don’t understand what being a is like these days, how to be yourself and how to make your own stand when you feel a bit different from everyone else.
But her friend is nowhere to be seen, now she walks through her sunken dream………….
And as a musician, all his best songs sound as if have always been there; they go just how you would expect them to go, just how anyone else would have written them, if only they could have. Except that you find you can’t write anything like them at all. They are full of unexpected chord changes and melodies, lyrics which seem to be about nothing on earth. You just kind of feel what it is that he means, somewhere in your subconscious, even if on the surface you don’t think you understand them.
Here am I floating round my tin can…..
I know this isn’t a music site, but this is where I blog. And music, especially the music you hear when you are growing up, is all bound up with sex and love and emotions and that’s why I come here. Anyway, I have used David Bowie lyrics to express myself on my blog several times, including one quite recently, so I wanted just to say hello to everyone who suddenly feels somehow a bit off centre today, and to join you in thanks for all the amazing songs he gave us over the years, and think how, as it always when someone you have listened to dies, life won’t quite ever be exactly the same again.
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Dirty Magic
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Posted:Jan 7, 2016 2:35 pm
Last Updated:Jul 13, 2016 6:14 am
15408 Views
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I’m sitting here reading a blog or two and listening to some favourite music – Hannah Williams and the Tastemakers. (Her band is a rather obscure but very good young UK soul band in case you are one of those people who are interested enough to go and look. You will find some live performances of variable quality on the tube, I particularly like “Do Whatever Makes You Feel Hot,” We Should Work it Out” and “Tell me Something / Liberties.” )
I first saw them live supporting Jools Holland at the Larmer Tree Festival a few years ago and got a serious crush on one of her backing singers.
Anyway, I digress. A blogger asked me why some of her comments were not showing up on my blog. I said I didn’t know, but I had seen one which I hadn’t noticed previously spring up from nowhere, plus I also remembered her not showing on the list of my recent responses.
Then I wrote, “there must be some dirty magic going on.” And a whole new set of ideas opened up in my mind. Maybe it was the music.
What I had meant to convey was the idea that there was the opposite of good luck happening; some malicious glitch in the site’s systems. Dirty Magic. But I was struck by the images the phrase immediately created in my imagination. Things which should be wrong but are somehow just right. Weird cosmic coincidence. Stevie Ray Vaughan’s half tone down-tuning. A miss use of the Force…..but not the evil dark side, just ….off beam.
All really good sex contains some dirty magic in it somewhere doesn’t it? Like those wild Zandigal blogs. Or the look in username''s eyes in my dream the other night. Wow that girl is full of dirty magic. I mean my track record is as vanilla as the next guy, but every now and again vanilla and butter cream get mixed up with raspberry jam and dirty magic just happens.
Or is it just the music? Maybe there should be a blues band called Dirty Magic………….
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A Dream Within a Dream
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Posted:Jan 6, 2016 10:42 am
Last Updated:Jan 18, 2016 5:55 am
14559 Views
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I had a dream, within which I had another dream, that one of my blogging friends gave me a really gorgeous blow job. (Don’t worry Rainbowsox, it wasn’t you - when I dream about you we all go to Stonehenge and have a picnic or something like that.)
In my dream I woke up and wrote a blog post about the dream:
“I dreamt that username was giving me a blow job. We had to be very quiet as we were sleeping over at a friend’s house after a party in a large room with several other people. It was a fantastic blow job, lots of good tongue action and eye contact, and she was rubbing her clitoris to get herself off at the same time. I could feel her body spasming in orgasm as she was sucking down my cum.”
The next day username 's comment appeared on the post: “That is exactly the kind of thing I would do Dreamer, and if we ever meet I will.”
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And the boys from the NYPD choir were singing.....
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Posted:Dec 22, 2015 2:15 am
Last Updated:Dec 19, 2019 9:26 am
17147 Views
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As I said last year, Christmas really is my favourite time. I love that the true spirit of goodwill is still there in people everywhere if you know how to see it. I love the piled high shelves and luxury food in the shops and the lights and the extra people in the street. I love thinking through what I can buy as presents, especially for people I love – I have occasionally been known to go a bit over the top, but it never seems to go down badly on the day. And I love the childish excitement I still feel on Christmas Eve, almost more than I did when I was a little boy. Maybe because I have learned how to always be happy about Christmas, and not let it make me feel sad. I know how it can, and maybe if I wasn’t so lucky as to have this great life I lead, I wouldn’t find that so easy.
As usual for me I will be spending Christmas with someone wonderful who loves me, and as always I am extremely grateful.
But although I will be off line for a while, I would be leaving something out of the truth if I didn’t admit that there will be one or two of you here who might pop into my thoughts quietly as I lie warm and naked in my bed, and for those of you who fall into that category, plus a whole load of other fellow bloggers whose words I always look forward to reading, here are some Christmas Messages.
RainbowSox – Well, I have to do my own version of cooking Falstaff this year. Sometimes it goes well, other times not so much, so I will be thinking of you if he turns out so dry you could watch the Mars Rover roll over his carcase. Actually I will be thinking of you anyway. Being friends with you, even in this strange remote way, is genuinely something I value, and I am amazed by how often I learn a new perspective from reading one of your posts. I. Also. Laugh. A. Lot. I hope you both have a great Christmas – you deserve a break after working so hard, and no doubt family will be involved. I know family is a sore point with H, but my Christmas wish for you is that some spirit of goodwill manages to shine through somehow, and if not…..well, at least I was thinking of you.
Wildfire – I still haven’t worked out quite what is going on in your life at the moment - or ever now I think about it. I would like to though. And that isn’t just because my mind is full of the image of your gorgeous legs….. I don’t think….. I think I always liked you a lot anyway, and valued how well you got what I was saying on my own posts. I don’t know, I can’t remember, the legs are filling up all the available brain space.
Amakamaria – Wow it has been great to see you back and blogging again. I love the subjects you come up with, and there is never anything we couldn’t talk about. But somehow the blogs bring up topics we wouldn’t think of if we were just chatting, and that, I suppose is why I stay, and why I am always so pleased when you are here too.
Violette - Did you stop blogging, or are you just taking a break? I really miss reading your free flow stream of consciousness posts, even if a lot of the time I never knew where they were heading. Ahh, wait a minute, I started writing this post just before your recent string of comments. Yes, you HAD been away that long! So glad to see you back. Merry Christmas.
Babyjeans – I get the feeling you are struggling with a bunch of stuff in life, but I hope you keep on blogging because I am interested in what you write. I also hope you get your man back for Christmas, or if not find a better one instead. Have a good time until hear from you again.
Oldhabits – Getting to know you is proving very interesting and entertaining. I don’t know how far I have got in the process yet because feedback seems to be rare, lol, but that could just be my blurred perspective, lol.
Lustasaurus – No wonder you have so many watchers – I never cease to be amazed by the way you always seem to appreciate what is being said on people’s blogs and manage to write a helpful and perceptive comment. Sometimes more interesting than the original post itself. I keep wanting to quote you and comment: “what she said.”
Zandigal – There is something very special about knowing you are still here on these blogs, even if it is only occasionally and mainly photographs these days. (Not that kind of photographs, anyone else reading this. Landscapes….nature….she’s a brilliant wildlife photographer. ) I would love to see you post some more of your obscure, dark but wonderful poetry, or wildly imaginative and sexy blogs like the one (presumably fictional ) where you pretended to be a gay man in order to give strangers blow jobs. If you are dropping by, have a fantaztic Christmas Zandi.
Marysia – It is always good to see you – Merry Christmas, and as always say hello to your sister for me and wish her well will you?
Stormyroses. - Love your selfies, love your style, love it that you have been blogging more again. Come by and inspire me anytime you like, or if you don’t, maybe I will be in touch anyway.
Tigger – Your blog has been quiet lately…..too busy polishing your toes probably, but no doubt you will be putting up new posts again soon. I hope so. Meanwhile it is always good to see you here and I love your comments because you are always telling me to do what I want to do, even if I don’t want to do it. If you know what I mean, lol.
Hippiechick – Nine years I’ve known you now. Wow. I know you don’t blog that much at the moment, and I miss that, but I wouldn’t be surprised to see you pop in to say “Merry Christmas, Dude.”
Kay – Hi Kay. I know, I know, I’ve been meaning to get in touch. And I promise I will do. If I remember rightly, you don't celebrate Christmas, but I couldn’t write these messages without including you. I’m glad you still pop in to read and comment sometimes. Don’t stop.
Darling Annette – Thanks so much for your help with the blurred emails issue. I have noticed you on and off following my blog, and on others around the place, and I already see you as a warm and kind hearted person so I am not surprised. I’m looking forward to seeing more of you in the New Year.
Sexysixties - I really like it that although you said you were going to take a break from blogging, you are still around commenting here and on a few others. It always feels more welcoming when you are around.
Passioncork, Bubbles, Synndarella – You are not forgotten if you happen to be passing.
MostWantonWench – I see you are now a gold member, so you must still be on the site, but I don’t often see you on my visitors list. I know you will be sometime though. You will already know that I thought of you when Clara said goodbye. I thought she looked her very best as a waitress. What a great life she will have now as a dead girl, cruising the galaxy with “The woman who lived.” I was sobbing. Happy Christmas.
Peterwasted – Hi mate. I saw you were back, but maybe you haven’t been posting much. I often think of you as I go past on the A 303.
Torrid_Affair - I see your blog is still listed, but I haven’t seen any new posts this year. I often think of you so if you stop by, here’s wishing you a happy Christmas and a great New Year.
ColoradoRose. I wouldn’t feel right not to have wished you a happy Christmas, just in case you came by. I still miss you being here to talk about all the other bloggers with. Among all the other ways I miss you, lol. And, if you are reading this, I am sure it is your turn to write.
Thank you to everyone else who has come by and commented; I really value the interactions we have here.
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If
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Posted:Dec 21, 2015 12:59 pm
Last Updated:Aug 11, 2020 6:33 am
15306 Views
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By comparison with people who are broken hearted, out of work, hungry, bullied by work colleagues, stuck in a gang ruled neighbourhood, scraping a living from a rubbish dump on the outskirts of Delhi or trying to escape from some war torn country under an oppressive regime in the middle east I have had a pretty good day.
By comparison with my easy happy usual life it has been miserable. I have been feeling a bit down for a few days and I'm not sure why. Then this morning I woke from a nightmare in which some guy was trying to kill me and I was hacking at his head with a machete but he wouldn't die. I have no idea where that came from - I haven't had any nightmares for ages, mostly only dreams about women who love me, which is usually quite nice, lol.
Then I was clearing out a draw and found a letter from the girl who I have always called "Liz" here, who was my girlfriend from when I was sixteen until I was nineteen, and on and off for a few years after. I made the mistake of reading it. It had been written about three years after we broke up, and I don't remember reading it then although I know I must have.
I don't think I can have fully understood what she was saying though, when I first read it, because if I had, I definitely would remember. But it was subtle, it wasn't spelled out. What I hadn't noticed before was how it was full of doubt in the future about her own life, and full of certainty about me. It was full of love, understanding of the things which were important to me, and contained a message which I should have noticed, but either didn't notice or didn't want to hear. It said, in a round about way, when I have finished studies and get settled into a regular life, I think I still want you and me to be together. But I didn't notice.
I have looked at photographs of me back then, and I don't like the man in the picture. And I got worse. It would have been good for me to have stayed with her I think.....but it didn't happen. And now, as I have mentioned before, she is a pretty well known person, has done some amazing things, and is at the very top of her career. I am so happy for her. But it makes me sad that we are not in touch, and for a whole lot of reasons I don't think we can be. Obviously we could be, but there are lots of reason why I shouldn't get in touch with her, and I don't think I am going to.
I didn't realise all this was going round in my head. Then, without knowing what it was about, I idly watched a film on TV which turned out to be one of those second chances movies, a bit like the plot of "It's a wonderful life," or "A Christmas Carol," when someone gets to find out how different life would have been if they had made different choices. I shouldn't watch those films, because for a long time now I have felt like I am stuck in one, but nobody ever gives me my second chance at having the life I should have had.
If I knew what it ought to be I could try to make it happen, but of course real life isn't like that - I have had my chances, made my decisions, and I have the life that I have made for myself. That's what happens, and wondering what if, as I said to someone else yesterday, never does you any good.
But it reminds me why I come here. I come here because always here there is someone who instinctively understands this part of me. Liz understood it, even though it hadn't even happened yet. The Lioness understood it. Rose did, and The Girl Who Read Everything........they get it. They are not here to get it anymore.
But someone will be. Maybe Violette will get it. Wildfire gets it. And I get to think about her legs too, which is a bonus. Maybe someone else will get it. If you don't, don't worry - I don't totally get it myself, and anyway, tomorrow I will be okay. In fact you know what? Writing this, I am already okay. Or okay ish. Thanks for listening. Tomorrow I will pack up my bags and go away for Christmas and forget about that other life I never had for a while, and hopefully I will remember to make the most of this fantastic one I have got instead.
I might even leave you guys some Christmas Messages.
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Blurred Mail Makes Me Question All Kinds of Things
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Posted:Dec 17, 2015 3:27 am
Last Updated:Jan 7, 2016 11:38 pm
15664 Views
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I can't read on site emails, they have gone all blurred. Why is this important, I hear you ask, when I always say that I am mainly just here to blog and not really here to meet anyone?
Despite the fact that I say on my profile (which I have never updated since I wrote it ten years ago by the way) that I am not really here looking to meet, I have on occasion broken this rule, and I have made some very special friends here, and also fallen in lust a few times. And in love too. So I am not against getting in touch with people. I'm just naturally cautious as to who they are, reluctant to make the first contact, and slow to open up about all my reasons for blogging here.
Some of you know the details of the reasons for this, but not everyone. Probably a lot of people don't care. But since one of the things I have always valued in life is being understood, I don't like the idea of someone frustratedly wondering what I am all about, or reading my blogs under false apprehensions.
Once or twice recently I have thought about writing a post entitled "Dreamer, the Full Story," but in the end I have decided against it, like I always do. Because once it is out there, you can't take it back. You can't ever be sure you can delete, or who might have read it, saved it, where it might appear in future, and I'm not sure I want that.
(I know this is a bit crazy, given some of the true stories I have written about events longer ago in my life, formative and memorable sexual exploits included. But one or two aspects of life are harder to explain, more sensitive and seem different somehow. But what I have always said is that if anyone I know well enough from blogging were to write and ask, I will always answer. )
There is usually plenty of evidence of the resulting friendships in the Christmas messages section of my blog.
Anyway, I have recently had some mail from a blogging friend which I would like to reply to, but I haven't been able to read it because it is blurred out.
I read some stuff about this a while ago, and I know it is a change of policy from the site organisers. At the time I thought, oh well, I am a standard member, and I don't want to pay to upgrade. (Not especially because of the money, but because I just really don't want to put my credit card details on a site like this. I know a lot of you have done and everything has been fine, but that is a rule I am not going to break. Also, I absolutely know for sure that gold membership would get me into trouble, and I am protecting myself from that. For now at least. ) So I have to accept I can't complain about the rules.
But I can see why the gold members are pretty fed up about it - they have paid their money to have full access to the site's facilities, then written to me, but I can't reply.
This also bugs me because I don't want them to think I am ignoring them! I once had mail from a blogger friend saying she was leaving the site, but asking me to reply so she could send me an off site address if I wanted to keep in contact. I was away at the time and didn't log in until after she had closed her profile, and she never replied to my reply and has not been back since, so I guess she thought I didn't care about her enough to want to stay in touch. Which wasn't true. That still bugs me and it was years ago.
I have been trying to work out how to use my points to open emails but without success, other than to use them all to upgrade to gold for a month, which I don't want to do. So unless some one can tell me the way round this, I am stuck.
I suppose I could put up one of those private posts. But then I still wouldn't be able to reply confidentially to anyone, as I have to use the quote button.
So anyway, all this has made me think harder about why I am here, what I want from life and this site and all kinds of things, which seems to have lead to me writing this rather rambling post.
But if you have written to me, I am not ignoring you, I just can't read what you have said!
Dreamer.
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To link to this blog (hotdreamer1000) use [blog hotdreamer1000] in your messages.
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